Chapter 29: The Family Proclamation

https://screencast-o-matic.com/watch/cq6q0Aukes

Chapter 32: The Eternal family & Chapter 10 Parenting

https://screencast-o-matic.com/watch/cqXQeqU6t5

Chapter 5: Marital Sexuality & Chapter 12 Motherhood

https://screencast-o-matic.com/watch/cqXQFPU6S3

Chapter 2 The ABC’S of Dating & Chapter 13 Fatherhood

https://screencast-o-matic.com/watch/cqXvfEUCSC

Chapter 9 Marriage in the Later Years & Chapter 8 Divorce

https://screencast-o-matic.com/watch/cqXvrMU5vJ

Chapter 22 Wholesome Family Recreation

https://screencast-o-matic.com/watch/cql2r1vfCo

Chapter 18 Family Faith & Chapter 20 Forgiveness in Family

https://screencast-o-matic.com/watch/cql2r8vfEw

The secret to blending families is there is no secret. It’s scary and awesome and ragged and perfect and always changing. Love and laugh hard. Try again tomorrow. But that’s life advice, right?” – Mir Kamin

Today’s post is going to be one of a more sensitive topic: divorce and getting remarried. But first before we get into the bulk of this entry let me just make a quick announcement this will be my last post. It has been a wild ride and without further ado here’s my last post.

Marriage can be a very beautiful and special thing. As my Family Relations teacher always says, “marriage isn’t natural it’s supernatural.” What he means by this is that marriage takes work to be a great marriage. It encompasses many of the topics we have talked about previously such as, getting to know someone through dating, making decisions together, and communicating openly with one another. Sometimes, however, people don’t achieve this supernatural marriage and find dissatisfaction in their relationship. This can lead to separation and divorce from your spouse.

Statically speaking, only about 24% of marriages end in divorce. My family has been one of the 24% affected by this information to an extent. My dad was married once before my mother. My dad and his first wife were married for five years and in that time had a daughter together. Of course they ended their marriage by seeking divorce, and two years later my father met my mother.

When going through divorce there are different aspects to it. There is firstly the emotional divorce. This is where you notice that there is a problem and a lack of trust. You move that into a legal divorce where you take it to court. While at court you will you will divide up your assets and if children are involved a parental divorce. The court will decide what kind of custody each parent has with their children: joint legal or not, do the parents have the right to make legal decisions for them or not? And Joint Physical, where, when, who will the kids reside with. My dad had to go through this and it was decided that both him and his ex-wife had joint legal and physical custody.

After my dad went through his divorce around two years later he meet my mom and they fell in love and got married. With my dad daughter from a previous marriage my parents had to blend a family together. When blending a family know that it takes time. My parents, when they were first married established ground rules of my dad being the discipliner for his daughter and my mom supporting him. Step-parents should act like a awesome aunt or uncle. They should express love and encouragement to their step kids. Husband and wife should counsel and work together to blended together a wonderful family. All families are different and uniquely beautiful. Love each other 

Guys it has been quite an adventure these passed couples months sharing my thoughts and the information I have been learning, with all you guys. Here’s what I can definitively say. Family is the single most important thing in the world. The relationship you foster with your family with set you on your life path. They have a great influence on your life just like you have an impact on their life. If during any of these post you’ve realized things you and your family can improve on don’t be afraid to fix it. Don’t be afraid to initiate the change you want to see. Don’t forget to thank your family for what they have done for you and cherish them always.

“Chapter 14.” Marriage and Family: the Quest for Intimacy, by Robert H. Lauer and Jeanette C. Lauer, 8th ed., McGraw-Hill Higher Education, 2011, pp. 309–332.

“Chapter 15.” Marriage and Family: the Quest for Intimacy, by Robert H. Lauer and Jeanette C. Lauer, 8th ed., McGraw-Hill Higher Education, 2011, pp. 333–353.

“Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right paths, but the final forming of a person’s character lies in their own hands.” ― Anne Frank

Hopefully we are all familiar with Disney Princess so I ask you what do Cinderella, Rapunzel, and Snow White all have in common? All three of these princess have horrible parents. Both Cinderella and Snow White have evil step mothers, and Rapunzel was kidnapped and raised by a crazy witch. This being said, as we know the stories to go, all three of the princesses turn out to be so fair, kind, and beautiful. How can this be? Well I believe that Anne Frank makes a good point. I am who I am because of the choices that I have made, just as the princesses are who they are because of the choices they have made. However, I have the best parents in the world, unlike Snow White whose stepmother tried to kill her, and my parents have played such an influential part in my life. Seriously my parents are the world’s greatest and this post is going to talk all about how they parented me growing up. 

I asked my mom what she thought the purpose of parenting was and she responded, “Parenting is about teaching your children, especially by example and loving them unconditionally, no matter what. Sometimes it means showing tough love and letting your children figure things out for themselves. You have to give your children respect and allow then to learn by giving them responsibilities.”

Growing up, my mom and dad took on a very active role in parenting. They had a good balance of love and firmness. They said what they meant and meant what they said, but you always knew they loved you. When I was in middle and high school and wanted to hang out with friends my parents assigned me a curfew. In 7^thgrade it started at 10pm and eventually by the end of high school my curfew had changed to 1am. My parents always told me that if I was late I would not be able to go out the following week. I remember the first time I was late for curfew, I was normally really good and was never late but this time I got home 30 minutes after my designated time, my parents had been waiting up and I walked in trying to be quiet. My mom and dad questioned me about my whereabouts. I told them where I’d been and tried to explain that it wasn’t my fault but my parents expressed the worry they had endured and then reminded me that I would not be able to go out the following week.

Unbeknownst the me at the time, but my parents were exercising a principle called Logical Consequences.That means having a reasonable consequence for a decision made. My parents set the consequence with me and I knew about it beforehand. There is also a principle called Natural Consequence, that is where there is an inevitable consequence for a decision made. When I was a little girl I use to worry about making a mistake especially at school. The first time I forgot my homework I panicked and called my mom and begged her to bring my homework up to school so that I wouldn’t have to turn it in late. Well she didn’t bring it. She told me it was unfortunate that I left it at home but she would be unable to bring up my homework. At the time I was furious with my mother but looking back on it I’m grateful for that experience because she respected me enough to let me go through that challenge. I suffered a lower grade but from that point on became more responsible with my work.

Parenting isn’t about coddling your children, being a pushover, or yelling at them. It is however about respecting them, being fair and discussing consequences to their actions with them and then giving them responsibilities so that they can learn and grow.

 “The quality of a father can be seen in the goals, dreams and aspirations he sets not only for himself, but for his family.” ―Reed Markham

Fathers are the best! I love my dad so much and this post is going to talk a lot about him because if you can’t already tell we are talking about Fatherhood. This week I read an article by L. Tom Perry, a now deceased religious leader for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, called Fatherhood, an Eternal Calling. 

In Elder Perry’s talk he lists three distinct roles on the shoulders of a father. As I share his thoughts with you I’ll share related story and experiences that I’ve had with my own father. He says, “First, the father is the head in his family.” What is meant by this is that the father leads the family and protects them. Together with his spouse, he makes decisions on how to raise up and guide the family. My father works for an airline company and with that our family has had the benefit of flying free, but that means we fly stand-by. That is where we fly on the plane if there are leftover seats and if the flight doesn’t have seats left or needs more we get bumped off, and for a family of five sometimes it is hard to make it on the same flight. I can remember when I was about 6 years old we were all taking a trip and we had to change planes somewhere, well the second plane only had three seats left. Now at six, I wasn’t great at math but I knew something wasn’t adding up right. My parents talked together and decided that my mother would get on the plane with my brother who was eight at the time and a good little helper and my baby sister who was only four at the time and they would go on while my father and I would stay back and try and catch the next plane out. We all went our separate ways and as a small girl away from part of her family I was sad so my dad, to take my mind off of it, walked around the airport with me, holding my hand the whole time. We went into one jewelry shop and I saw a beautiful necklace. It was three hearts connected together. My dad bought it for me and as he put it on me, I felt safe knowing that my dad would lead me safely to the other half of my family no matter what.

The second role of a father that Elder Perry mentions is, “the father is a teacher.” The word example come to mind when I think of this concept. Because while my father was not my school teacher and didn’t teach me about the Civil War, the formula for volume, or how to solve for sin in a calculus equation I’ve learned so much from my father. One the greatest characteristics of my father is that he’s got a big heart. The definition of charitable. Any free time he has is spent helping others fix broken cars, moving people, painting someone’s house, cutting down trees, or build a fence. The great thing is not only have I see his example of charity but he has invited me to do these activities with him and now I have learned some of these life skills. 

Lastly, “the father is a temporal provider,” says Elder Perry. The father should be the one who bring in the majority of the income in the family to allow the mother spending time nurturing the children. My father has been blessed with a great job that he’s had for over 25 years. He has been able to provide a comfortable income for my family and that has allowed my mother to stay at home and raise us. I have a wonderful mother who has been so involved in my life because she has not had to work. Not only does my father have a great job but he has taught all of his children to work hard for what we want in life and not to expect it to be handed to us. Thus teaching me and my sibling to provide for ourselves well.

Honestly I might be a little biased when I say this but my dad is the greatest dad in the world. Here’s why, not only has he taken upon him the three roles listed above but he has also been present in my life. Not because he has the time but because he makes the time. He works a lot and is tired at the end of most days but allows makes time to hang out with his family or invite I to do service with him. At the end of the day, knowing that I have a father that is always there for me is the greatest thing in the world.

Perry, L. Tom. “Fatherhood, an Eternal Calling.” Churchofjesuschrist.org, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, 5 Apr. 2004, http://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2004/04/fatherhood-an-eternal-calling?lang=eng&query=fathers+teachers.

“To effectively communicate, we must realize that we are all different in the way we perceive the world and use this understanding as a guide to our communication with others.”  -Tony Robbins   

My best friend and I have an inside joke between the two of us. We always say, “Communication is key.” To explain briefly why she and I say this let me first make mention that my best friend can be quite blunt sometimes and lacking tact in some situations, don’t worry she is much better with it now, anyways she and I got in a big fight, while we were serving as companion on a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. You see, as missionaries and in my mission in particularly one missionary was designated to be the driver while the other was in charge of the phone, making calls and text people. I was the phone person in the begin and she drove. However, as the first couple days of our time together past she would make comments like, “text ‘so and so’ this” or “are you going to tell me who texted”. The tone that she used in her voice to me came off as belittling. I felt like she was trying to baby me and make us do everything her way. We got into an argument with lots of shouting and pettiness on both parts. After we had our little yelling match we each took time to cool off and realized the problem was just a misunderstanding of her words and my interpretation of the conversation. She explained to me that she likes to be involved and that her asking me to do stuff on the phone was her way of showing to me that she wanted to help me. I on the other hand told her that the tone and body language in which so conveyed her messages did not come off as wanting to help. After discussing this we both had a better understand and were able to work more efficiently together. So now we joke, “communication is key,” anytime we see a misunderstanding taking place whether in a movie or a real life problem.

You have to understand that communication is less about the words you say, but more about the way you express them. What tone of voice are you using? What message are you expressing through your bodily language? See, communication is a process of encoding thoughts and feelings and sending it to another person to be decoded (how they perceive your message) your thoughts and feelings.

Now communication is crucial in a marriage and as I’ve commented before I am not married so I turned to my mother this week to understand the role it takes in marriage. I asked her, “Why is communication important in a marriage?” Here is what she had to say about it.

“Because in a marriage in order to make sure that you are working toward the same goals, parenting, home life, decision making, etc, you have to be able to talk with your spouse.” 

That lead me to ask, “What kind of effect can having bad communication skills have on a marriage?”

“If you don’t communication everything is pretty much doomed. If you are not talking together than each one is growing in a different direction and getting further away from the other. This can cause lots of fights and you end up hurting your spouse. And after a while you look back and don’t even recognize the person you married Your father and I to prevent bad communication, to the best of our abilities try to always express love for one another even during disagreements” 

My mother’s ending comment struck me as interesting. I have just recently learned of David Burn’s “5 secrets of Communication”. These techniques are designed to help communicate will especially intense circumstance. His 5 secrets are as follows:Disarming, this one helps against defensiveness, Expressing Empathy, trying to understand their side off things, Inquiry, wanting to hear more to understand better, I Feel Statement, expressing and explaining your side politely, and lastly Stroking, expressing love and appreciation for the person. That is the one my mother touched and that she feel is what has helped them through all of their struggles, expressing love.

My Family Relations teacher always say, “A good marriage is not natural, it’s super natural.” That is true. Communicating effectively does not come easily. I all starts with communication. 

“Chapter 9.” Marriage and Family: the Quest for Intimacy, by Robert H. Lauer and Jeanette C. Lauer, 8th ed., McGraw-Hill Higher Education, 2011, pp. 193–212.

Burns, David D. Feeling Good Together: the Secret to Making Troubled Relationships Work. Ebury Digital, 2010.

“It’s not stress that kills us, it is our reaction to it.” –Hans Selye

Stress. Everyone has experienced stress at some point in their life. And if you say you haven’t you’re in denial, which is a bad coping method for stress. 

The other night I was watching a movie called Penelopewith my roommates. It is one of my favorite movies, but I don’t know if you are all familiar with the plot of the movie but it very much goes with our topic of “responding to stress during a family crisis” this week.

The plot of the movie in essence is that a very rich, very posh family, the Wilhern’s, are cursed for many generations that any daughter born in the family tree would be cursed with a pig nose and that the curse could only be broken by “one of their own kind” (meaning a rich blue blood) accepting her as she is…nose and all. The Wilhern’s went many generations without having any girls, that is until Penelope was born. And true to the curse she was born with a pig nose. The parents were distraught, especially the materialistic mother. The parents hid the girl away, ashamed of their daughter’s appearance. They neglect her and isolate her from the world never letting her experience life or interact with people. When the girl, Penelope comes of age the mother hires a match maker to find and blue blood boy to marry her and hopefully break the curse. Dozens of snobby boys come and go as they see Penelope’s appearance. One boy goes as far as to try and inform the press of her “hideous” features. But a man named Max meet her and didn’t flee. In fact, he and Penelope hit it off and he saw her true inner beauty but when the mother begged him to marry her he refused thus breaking Penelope’s heart. Her mother tries to remind her that “you are not your nose” but upset she then run’s away to the outside world that she has never experienced. She goes on a self-discovery but then her parents find her and bring her back home and force her to marry a young man who has agreed to break the cruse. In the end, Penelope calls off the wedding and runs to her room locking the door behind her. The mother calls after her demanding that she returns to the wedding so that the curse can be broken. Penelope yells back saying that she loves who she is. At that moment the curse is broken. Looking back, they realized that the curse did not mean that a blue blood had to marry her it just meant that her type of people had to accept her, so once Penelope admitted that she loved herself for who she was the curse could break. The parents feel guilty for not spending time getting to know there daughter and loving her instead of locking her away because they were ashamed of her. They realize had they do that when she was young they could have broken the curse a lot earlier.

Now sorry for the spoilers but hopefully you see the family crisis in this summary. I was doing some reading this week and found a formula for defining the crisis. It’s called the ABCX model created by Reuben Hill.

A: is the event causing stress

B: is the resources you use to cope 

C: is how the family perceives the problem

All of this brings you to

X: the family crisis 

So let’s take Penelope’s story. A) was the daughter being born with a pig nose. B) was the family hiding their daughter away, living in denial, and trying to find someone to break the curse and C) was the family seeing this as the worst possible thing in the world. Thus making X) a massive catastrophic crisis.

The parents were using some pretty ineffective coping methods such as denial, pretending that the problem didn’t exist, or scapegoating the problem, by blaming the great-great-great grandparents who were cursed in the first place. 

Had the parents used more effective method of handling stress the problem could have been much less catastrophic, by taking responsibility for the problem and acknowledging the family’s worth by treating their daughter like a normal human. The solution could have come a lot easier. Stress is what you make it. Use the ABCX model and effective coping strategies when crisis strikes and they won’t seem so hard. Life is what you make it, so make it good.

“Chapter 13.” Marriage and Family: the Quest for Intimacy, by Robert H. Lauer and Jeanette C. Lauer, 8th ed., McGraw-Hill Higher Education, 2011, pp. 283–308.

Palansky, Mark, director. Penelope. Universal Pictures, 2008.

“Let’s talk about sex, baby.Let’s talk about you and me.Let’s talk about all the good thingsand the bad things that may be.Let’s talk about sex.” –Salt-N-Pepa

Yep, that’s right you guys this post is going to be all about sex. I want to concentrate more specifically on what kind of effects sex can have in marriage with a high focus on infidelity. To help me with this post I interviewed my newly married best friend and asked her a couple questions about her new life and how sex plays into it. (Don’t worry we did not discuss deeply personal stuff only her opinions on the questions I asked her.)

The first question I asked my best friend was, “What does an Ideal marriage look like?”

            “There is no ideal marriage. Because people are so divergent every relationship is going to be different so it’s based off who you are and who your spouse is. I do think however that it is good to do things that you both love to do together or that you can support the other in, because those build deeper connections with your significant other. Those connections are so important because they help develop a good foundation in your marriage and help you become comfortable enough to talk to your spouse about anything.”

“Ok so where does sex play a part in marriage?”

            “It goes back to being comfortable. You need that level of comfort because personally when I’m and having sex with my husband I am my most vulnerable. So, I need to be able to trust him with my body. Communication is also key, making sure that you and your spouse are talking about what you like and don’t like during sex, and again you just need to be comfortable talking about it with them or you can have some unpleasant sexual experiences.”

I thought what my best friend had to say was quite interesting. Typically, Women need to feel a sense of closeness, security, and warmth with a person before they are like to have sexual intercourse. Men on the other hand are the opposite. They feel the need to have sex so that they can feel close with someone. A lot of the reasons behind this can be explained by science. So When men and women have sex they release certain neurotransmitters. One being Dopamine, which sends signals of excitement, and Serotonin. For women, however, they release not only these two but also a hormone called Oxytocin. This hormone is a bonding sort. Meaning it creates an emotional attachment to something. (For instance a mother seeing her new born baby. Her body releases Oxytocin creating a motherly bond between her and her child.) So when women have relations with someone it can creates an emotion bond for them.

I continued by asking my best friend, “What do you think infidelity means?”

            “Obviously it’s a sexual relationship with another person, but it can be more than that. It can be sharing intimate details of your relationship with someone other than your spouse.”

I agree with her wholehearted and asked in response, “How can sharing personal experiences with someone else be problematic?”

            “Your relationship with your spouse is yours. It’s what draws you closer together. When you share information that you shouldn’t with others it starts causing a drift from your spouse.”

This very true. When we share personal information with others it can cause problems and can lead to infidelity. This week I was reading an article by Scott Gardner and Christian Greiner called Infidelity: Protecting our Marriage. I became aware of the four types of Infidelity. The first is called Fantasy. This is where you have an emotional relationship with a fictional person or a random stranger but you fantasize what it would be like to be with them. The second is Visual. Which is pretty much what it sounds like, looking at inappropriate images such as pornography. Next is Romantic. This is where you are emotionally connection with another physical person but not have sexual relations. Lastly you have Sexual infidelity. This is where you are having sex with another person whether there is an emotional connection or not.

To avoid infidelity, I feel that, you must guard what intimate details you share with others. Focus on building a solid foundation with your spouse by means of open communication. It will lead to a feeling of comfort opening you up to being more sexually intimate.

“Chapter 4.” Marriage and Family: the Quest for Intimacy, by Robert H. Lauer and Jeanette C. Lauer, 8th ed., McGraw-Hill Higher Education, 2011, pp. 77–101.

Gardner , Scott, and Christian Greiner . “Infidelity: Protecting Our Marriage.” Ericapearlarbon.weebly.com, ericapearlarbon.weebly.com/uploads/3/9/5/4/39542343/affair_prevention_2.pdf.