“Dating is about finding…”

“Dating is about finding out who you are and who others are. If you show up in a masquerade outfit, neither is going to happen.” –Henry Cloud

Dating, in the traditional sense, is relatively extinct in our society nowadays. The true nature of dating is going out on several different planned outings with a variety of different people. That doesn’t happen anymore with the millennials as it did with previous generations. All the kids (middle schoolers through college-age students) these days seem to want to do is “hang out”, basically be on social media or electronic devices in the same room together not really socializing.  Sometimes they even enter into exclusive relationships without even going on dates to get to know one another better. 

I decided to ask a couple of my aunts, one forty-five years old the other sixty-one years old, to see what some of their experiences with dating were like when they were my age. I wanted to compare this with what I have had in my life. They both had fond memories to share with me. One of the things they said was that typically young men would ask them on dates and they were pretty creative with their variety of activities on their dates. Some of the dates included: dancing, hiking, picnics, ice blocking, cutting a Christmas tree, making dinner, bowling, dollar theaters, and sporting events. They mentioned that young men were pretty outgoing and that they got asked out on dates often and that dates didn’t have to be expensive to be fun.  One of my aunts remembers, “One time I had three dates in one day. One in the morning for breakfast, one in the afternoon to play racquetball, and one in the evening for dinner, all with different guys.” 

As for myself, I like to joke that I am “unlucky in love”. My dating life has been an interesting, almost off-putting experience, and nothing like my aunts. I have had two relationships in my twenty-one years of existence. May I note that I use the word “relationship” very loosely. I have been reflecting on the reasons for the termination of these courtships since learning new information this week and this is my analytical breakdown of what went wrong. It’s very simple. It all started with the dating aspect. I think with each guy, I went on one date with them, and then we decided that we were crazy about each other and wanted to be in an exclusive relationship. At the time it seemed like a great idea. The first relationship was long distance one and we had been on two dates before deciding to be together. We also did not communicate plans for the future. I mean it is kind of important to know if your significant other has any plans to be in the same state as you anytime soon. Sufficed to say I did not know this young man well enough and this three-month relationship should not have happened. The second relationship is a more recent affair. Honestly, it was a lot better than the first one. But nonetheless, we should have taken more time to look at all the factors of entering into a relationship before we did. Because really we didn’t even go on a first date before deciding to be together. I haven’t gone on lots of dates with different men. I find the one that shows interest and just jump right in, but that all stops today. 

Here’s what I’m suggesting for myself. I’m going to take my time and go on dates with lots of people slowly narrowing down the field till I find the one I want to be with. Getting to know people takes time. In fact, take the advice of Book writer John Van Epp, he wrote a book called How to Avoid Falling in Love with A Jerk. In his book, he gives us what he calls the “Know quo”. In essence, the “Know quo” is this formula to help us really get to know another person. 

Togetherness + Talk + Time =Know

Meaning that you have to spend time doing varies activities, with each person equally sharing information about themselves, and taking at least three months of doing these things to really get to know a person.

Book Citation

“Chapter 4.” How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk: the Foolproof Way to Follow Your Heart without Losing Your Mind, by John Van Epp, McGraw-Hill, 2008, pp. 58–58.