“To Effectively Communicate…”

“To effectively communicate, we must realize that we are all different in the way we perceive the world and use this understanding as a guide to our communication with others.”  -Tony Robbins   

My best friend and I have an inside joke between the two of us. We always say, “Communication is key.” To explain briefly why she and I say this let me first make mention that my best friend can be quite blunt sometimes and lacking tact in some situations, don’t worry she is much better with it now, anyways she and I got in a big fight, while we were serving as companion on a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. You see, as missionaries and in my mission in particularly one missionary was designated to be the driver while the other was in charge of the phone, making calls and text people. I was the phone person in the begin and she drove. However, as the first couple days of our time together past she would make comments like, “text ‘so and so’ this” or “are you going to tell me who texted”. The tone that she used in her voice to me came off as belittling. I felt like she was trying to baby me and make us do everything her way. We got into an argument with lots of shouting and pettiness on both parts. After we had our little yelling match we each took time to cool off and realized the problem was just a misunderstanding of her words and my interpretation of the conversation. She explained to me that she likes to be involved and that her asking me to do stuff on the phone was her way of showing to me that she wanted to help me. I on the other hand told her that the tone and body language in which so conveyed her messages did not come off as wanting to help. After discussing this we both had a better understand and were able to work more efficiently together. So now we joke, “communication is key,” anytime we see a misunderstanding taking place whether in a movie or a real life problem.

You have to understand that communication is less about the words you say, but more about the way you express them. What tone of voice are you using? What message are you expressing through your bodily language? See, communication is a process of encoding thoughts and feelings and sending it to another person to be decoded (how they perceive your message) your thoughts and feelings.

Now communication is crucial in a marriage and as I’ve commented before I am not married so I turned to my mother this week to understand the role it takes in marriage. I asked her, “Why is communication important in a marriage?” Here is what she had to say about it.

“Because in a marriage in order to make sure that you are working toward the same goals, parenting, home life, decision making, etc, you have to be able to talk with your spouse.” 

That lead me to ask, “What kind of effect can having bad communication skills have on a marriage?”

“If you don’t communication everything is pretty much doomed. If you are not talking together than each one is growing in a different direction and getting further away from the other. This can cause lots of fights and you end up hurting your spouse. And after a while you look back and don’t even recognize the person you married Your father and I to prevent bad communication, to the best of our abilities try to always express love for one another even during disagreements” 

My mother’s ending comment struck me as interesting. I have just recently learned of David Burn’s “5 secrets of Communication”. These techniques are designed to help communicate will especially intense circumstance. His 5 secrets are as follows:Disarming, this one helps against defensiveness, Expressing Empathy, trying to understand their side off things, Inquiry, wanting to hear more to understand better, I Feel Statement, expressing and explaining your side politely, and lastly Stroking, expressing love and appreciation for the person. That is the one my mother touched and that she feel is what has helped them through all of their struggles, expressing love.

My Family Relations teacher always say, “A good marriage is not natural, it’s super natural.” That is true. Communicating effectively does not come easily. I all starts with communication. 

“Chapter 9.” Marriage and Family: the Quest for Intimacy, by Robert H. Lauer and Jeanette C. Lauer, 8th ed., McGraw-Hill Higher Education, 2011, pp. 193–212.

Burns, David D. Feeling Good Together: the Secret to Making Troubled Relationships Work. Ebury Digital, 2010.